Are you currently unemployed, have an IQ level, want to revoke all women’s rights and transport the gender equality issue back to 1682? Then you have a great chance of becoming the next “Dancing with the Stars” candidate and possibly even garner your own reality television show.
Here is an easy two-step program on how you do it:
1. get your mug in front of any camera, any time, any place.
2. when your mug is positioned full frontal, then just speak. Say anything, for example:
”American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.”
It doesn’t really matter, what it is, as long as you endorse creationism, Jesus and bash modern science enthusiastically. You can get away with saying the most retarded things - just do it with conviction. There’s always somebody out there, who will believe you, especially if you grin a lot.
Pesky questions about any past indiscretions, gaffes or various other dopey statements? Ignore the question. Pretend you didn’t hear it and use the opportunity to further advocate all your more (if any) positive aspects. You won the cheerleaders debate in high school? Tout that. Don’t have anything good to fall back on? Cancel the appearance.
It’s a Win-Win Situation
No clue about politics? It doesn’t matter! You can still get out there and win! Even if you don’t actually win the election, you’ll have enough campaign donations to pay the rent, buy food and treat your mom to an all-expense weekend at the local spa.
It’s a win-win situation: win the election, you’ll get a $174,000 salary and re-locate to Washington, DC. The RNC has proven to be quite generous funding wardrobe make-overs and any extraneous legal fees that may arise due to alleged unethical behavior. Keep smiling and pander to the old and older white folks: you shall be a huge success.
If, due to the awful media and possible tax evasion issues, you do lose: make sure you get all your ducks lined up during the campaign (time is money), and network with Oprah, agents, and other power people, to secure a deal in any media format possible. And remember: continue to blame the media for the election loss. That’s crucial. A life of luxury and leisure awaits you, regardless. If you are marginally attractive and can spell the word: which, chances are excellent. Heck, you don’t even have to spell. Just talk - your success is guaranteed.
Since I have kind of worked out how to use tumblr, it’s one of the coolest blog sites ever. The design options are way cooler than blogspot. Now all I have to do is actually use it regularly.
Exciting news. I know. Don’t thank me.